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Jean Grae (Allhiphop-Board)
"I’m most probably going to get a phone call both from
my label and publicist about writing this, but
honestly, I’m just tired of mincing my words and being
nice about shit. I haven’t really written a lot on
allhiphop in a second, mostly because I’m too damn
frustrated with everything to write as a hobby. I’m
angry, I’m tired and close to spazing out about a lot
of shit.
I hate this industry. I hate the music business
because it has shit to do with music. I grew up in a
family of independent struggling musicians and I’m
sick of being a part of that cycle. I’m tired of
fighting harder than everyone else to even just get a
little bit. I don’t even know why I fucking put my
heart into doing this when it’s obvious that so many
people who don’t, get what they want out of it. The
financial unstability of this is driving me crazy. Why
do I have to keep turning out entire albums or
releases full of music when some cat can spit on a
mixtape once, or give someone a pound and then get on
immediately? Why try to do something that’s apparently
so fucking different and impossible, that I have to
defend it to myself everyday?
I hate myself for dumping my all into this. If I was
smarter I wouldn’t have pursued this career. I’m older
than most people already established in this business
and I’m not thinking of the money coming out of it for
balling out purposes. I want to be a mom soon, I want
to have some sort of steadiness in my life, but with
this job that is close to a damn impossibility right
now.
Fuck everyone at all these labels who even know me and
won’t even give me a damn chance to step in the door.
‘Oh, I love your shit,’ but they can’t do shit for me.
Fuck the boys club mentality that they have and the
vision they lack.
Years of rejection make you really second think
yourself. Maybe it’s not them, maybe it’s me. Maybe my
shit isn’t good enough to compete with all the stuff
out there. Then I hate everything, then I read “her
delivery is trash”, or “her beats are wack” and that
solidifies all of that in my head. As much as I can
try to fight it and try to like my own material it
becomes a chore to listen to it. It’s a cycle. I get
like that, then snap out of it after a pep talk and
think, no, I am talented. I have something. Don’t pay
attention to all that shit, I’m stronger than that.
I’m not a quitter, I’m a fighter.
My fighter outlook is getting really weak. Less and
less I really put myself into this shit with a gung ho
attitude and now I do it almost because I’m stuck here
and I don’t like to start things and not finish them.
I can have press out the ass, it doesn’t seem to
matter. No one really outside of the industry or
underground heads know who the fuck I am. Doing shows
that are difficult to get in the first place and then
only having like 20 people there for crap money
doesn’t lift your spirits. Promoters won’t even
understand that we don’t have the kind of money it
takes to get to these damn places unless they’re
paying for them. If there are maybe 2 black women in
the audience that night it’s a good night for me. I
understand that fans are fans and I respect that. But
it’s a piece of shit job when you can’t even see
yourself reflected in the audience.
I can’t get on any big mixtapes, labels are scared to
fuck with something without a great soundscan history
and people that have the power to help treat me like
the invisible rapper. What am I supposed to do ? I’m
tired of writing because everything is coming out
angry and I don’t want to be that person. I’m mad that
I’m broke, I’m mad that I’m living in the same
situation...and you know what XXL??? I’m fucking mad
that I can’t make my wedding plans happen again this
year. Yeah. You guys put me in your “Negro Please”
section a few months ago with the quote “I’m broke and
I couldn’t go through with the plans for my wedding I
had on Valentine’s day.’
So, what the fuck? That was funny? You know, you
forgot to mention the fact that the quote you took
came from a Fader magazine article in which the next
line I spoke was “my dad has cancer”. Perhaps you
should have included that too, since you thought that
the beginning was so hilarious. You don’t know shit
about me or my life and with the amount of ignorant
speakers around you chose to include something that
you thought somehow was chuckle worthy. Fuck off.
I’m taking back the nice and putting on the angry face
because I’m tired. I’m tired of being overlooked and
underpaid.
I’m tired of trying to come up with new fucking
ingenious plans of how to let people know that I exist
and then scrapping them because we don’t have the
money to do shit. It’s a luxury to me to watch people
sit in a studio and take time with their shit. It’s a
tragedy to see them wasting their time and not
realizing how lucky they are to have the opportunity
to do that. There’s tons of people I would love to
work with, but money doesn’t allow that, so in the
interims between albums and shows I gotta come up with
all these crazy hustles to keep my name out there and
introduce myself to a new audience. Most of them never
come to pass because of a lack of money to make them
happen. Shows that I don’t want to take I have to, no
matter how small the money is because, well, food is
something you need. I’m not trying to be whiny about
work, trust I’m a workhorse, I’ve never shied away
from that. However, I am opposed to working for
nothing. For fucking nothing. I’m not retarded,
otherwise that would sound like a great idea, but I’m
too old for that shit. Everything is a chance, a
promise of something that could possibly come to pass
and usually doesn’t.
I’m sick and damn tired of explaining who I am to my
label. Why we shouldn’t work the same formula that
everyone else uses and hearing, ‘it’s about the
numbers. It’s all about the numbers.”
Well, I can’t do anything about the numbers cause I’m
out of ideas and I don’t want to play the waiting game
anymore. I don’t have the time to sit back and think
of things because I have to eat.
I’m out of ways to dance around things and pretend
like I’m happy and coming up with some great new shit
when I do interviews. I don’t have anything to talk
about anymore. I’m stuck, I’m pissed, but I guess none
of that even matters in the long run, since I’m not
even playing in the same league as everyone else.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do now, or why I have to
keep explaining to people why I make music and who I’m
making it for. I used to rap and make beats because,
damn I just did. Doing it for work isn’t a problem,
but where’s the work? I don’t think I’m the most
incredible person out there, but I want to get better.
I understand that when it’s a job a lot of it ceases
to be fun, but this is like a 10 year internship with
no fucking promotion. I have to sit here and watch
people get hired around me and move up to top
management positions. I know the people at these
labels, they know me, I’ve been here for years and no
one ever fucking gives me a chance to even break in. I
would respect it even a little if they just told me I
wasn’t shit and kicked me out. But just treating me
like I’m not even there is some bullshit. What the
fuck? Maybe if I was a damn model I would’ve gotten
further ahead. But I’m not. I look like me and only me
and I’m not going to change anything or start feeling
bad about myself because that’s the only way that
females can play in this game. That can get to you too
you know. I thought it was about the work that I did,
but obviously it never was. My dreamer mentality
pretty much ended a few years ago, but even reality
doesn’t seem to get me anywhere.
I don’t want to keep venting for nothing either, so
I’ll probably just keep all of this stuff inside from
now on like I usually do.
I know I can’t state any fucking opinion without
someone going “aww fuck that bitch shes on her period
and she mad cause shes not that nice anyway and plus
she ugly.” I read message boards, I know how it
goes..that’s pretty much standard, but fuck you too.
Thanks allhiphop for always letting me be me.
Fuck the rap game. It’s not about the music or the
heart or how hard you play.
Fuck you for not letting me in, cowards."
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